"Oh, that's where that is."

Tuck stays a little closer to me these days.  He’s in the same room as I am most of the time now.  I sure would like to know what has gone and is going through his mind these last few weeks (yes, I realize he is a dog).  It would make you cry if it didn’t make you laugh or at least smile a little, if you saw his “lack of trust” in me, as it would seem, as I tried to get him to leave the house with me for a walk or car ride those first few days after Tooga was gone.  My interpretation was he saw me leave with Miki and she didn’t return.  He saw me leave with Tooga and he didn’t come back.  Do you see where I’m going with this train of dog thought?  I don’t blame him.  My sister Betty, who was staying with me over Christmas, got him out for a number of walks before she headed back to California and that appears to have gotten the standoffishness towards me and leaving the house on a better footing.  I think I even started to question leaving the house with myself for a while.

The hours and days following Miki’s Party (that’s what she would have called it) were filled with family, visiting, eating, visiting, and eating some more.  Looking back, I could not have asked for a better service to help me/us begin to recover in the wake of her absence.  Her clothes are finding homes in new closets and dressers, as family and friends have found a little something to remember her by.  The girl had some clothes!

Did I mention there were beverages to go with the eating and visiting?

Tuck and I are getting acquainted with our house again.  For Tuck, he is enjoying the good life right now.  He’s getting use to the fact he doesn’t have to be on high alert, while awake, to fend off a Tooga surprise attack and he goes with me in the car more frequently when I run errands.  He also is getting use to a different amount of caloric intake from before, since the “Queen of Treats” is not here to hand them out, every time he looked at her with those big brown eyes.  I am sure he is wondering too, why I am the only one taller than he is, that is around most of the time.  Of course he must be missing the lovin’ that only his momma could dish out.

Me on the other hand, doesn’t have to guess the source of any horrid dog gas anymore.  Even worse, I can’t blame Miki.  But what is taking time is going through everything to get some perspective on what is under this roof.  "Oh, that's where that is."  The cumulative knowledge of our lives contained in this house has been drastically reduced.  Where things are or were can no longer be blamed on the other.  It’s all me now, so I better get a handle on it.  Files, boxes of decorations, drawers, and corners of closets, in some respects it’s like a different house.  As a new reality sets in, I can see things changing a little at a time.  Her office is evolving into something that is not her office anymore.  Since I don’t see myself taking up sewing (keep it to yourself), there will be more space available for other things where items like spools of thread and knitting tools (couldn't come up with a better word) use to be.  Going through her files on her computer is almost as time consuming and interesting in some ways.  There are even a few minor decorating touches that I didn’t have strong feelings about at the time, but now may change over time.  But I am in no rush and I treasure the memories that accompany every new item I discover or ponder over keeping or not. 

Right now, the pictures are what I crave to keep my memories fresh.  Many of you have heard me say my memory is not a strong suit for me and Miki use to tease me that she could make up our past to fit whatever she wanted it to be, since I didn’t recall the past real well.  I am so thankful for the photo albums she kept over the years.  I guess I can be like Miki and remember whatever I want to remember!  It’s not like I won’t remember the last 32 years, but she was in charge of refreshing my memory of the details.  And the woman forgot nothing…if you know what I mean!

I still can’t get over the fact of how quiet it is…especially with Tooga not barking at every little noise he hears outside.  He’s not racing to the back door so he can get outside to see who is encroaching upon his territory.  I can see finally refinishing the upstairs hardwood floors instead of waiting until both dogs were gone.  I wouldn’t mind some Miki noises though.

I’ve noticed people using words like reinventing, the new normal, and my new reality.  I’m still the same me that was born 54 years ago and continues to evolve.  And even though my evolution took a huge leap this last half a year, kind of like a growth spurt, I am beginning to see how the future will be something to look forward to, just as Miki was looking forward to whatever happens after this life is played out.  Right now that future encompasses a few days to a week at a time though.  Except for a few things, I don’t have the clarity I use to have.  I am hoping it will be like waking up in the morning…it takes me a while to get my motor running, but once I do, it’s all good.

My Zen from Home:  In a way, the weather conditions on Dec. 21 may have been somewhat positive.  There may not have been enough room for everyone that would have come, if the weather had been more inviting.  As it was, the turn out was outstanding, surprising, heartfelt, and memorable.  This will be my final official thank you for all the support from the service dating back to those of you who read the first blog entry, July 1, 2013…”Embarking on a New Journey Without Leaving Town.”  As word got around, it sparked countless emails and cards.  And then there were the gift cards, the food that showed up (if you are missing any containers, come visit), the drop by visits, the encouragement that took endless forms…it was truly a journey supported by Miki’s JOY Team.  Thank You from the bottom of both our hearts.

If it is not too cold, the Joy Hut is still available for visits.