Down, But Not Out

Side Note:  Yesterday we employed a new tool in our arsenal…a portable commode!  Having had it at our disposal now for less than 24 hours, I can tell you it is a lifesaver, if the speed at which you move competes with a tortoise.  I can clean that thing out and have it ready in a matter of minutes.  Sometimes that is impressive and sometimes it could be too late!

My day started out with some foreshadowing.  After being up throughout the night with Miki, as she began battling another side effect beginning yesterday … diarrhea … we both have a slow start to what would be a rare, cool August day.  Still completely exhausted, Miki shares with me she doesn’t have the strength to go to her radiation treatment today.  I sort of quietly panic in my head and respond with the opposite, thinking it is not a good idea to let those cells have a day off, lets get’em while they’re down!  For a woman that hiked up the highest mountain in Colorado, Mt. Elbert, seeing her try to catch her breath from just rolling over on her side, it was hard to keep pushing the idea of making her appointment.  And with that, I disappeared into our bathroom to take a shower.  Then it hit me.

I have been pretty focused on being the man or the strong one, since this thing began.  And only a few times have I broken down with her or alone, when the perfect storm of emotions came together.  But no public outbreaks, thank goodness, just her and I, alone, discussing her, me, and us.  An occasional tear out of nowhere would surprise me driving back and forth to the hospital or sitting in the early morning light of day (not real familiar to me), as the dogs put away their breakfast.  But today was different.

After closing the bathroom door and turning on the shower, I sat down for a moment, and before I knew it, I was crying into my towel.  I don’t know how to explain it.  Other than a few choice days when I cried in my classroom while I was still teaching, have I experienced something like this (teasing…it was actually just that one day…still teasing).  I think the thought of her not attending her radiation appointment was a sign of giving up and I was not about to let that happen.  Her giving up is not something I’ve let enter my psyche.  I let it go, thinking she would rebound and have the strength to make it.  Even after I called the receptionist to reschedule for a later time, the diarrhea and her lack of strength stood strong throughout the morning.

By late morning, Imodium AD was enlisted and the radiologist’s nurse called to check on Miki’s condition and to offer any help she could.  By then, we had moved our party for two out into the backyard (that was an adventure on its own), where Miki wanted to lay in the sun.  This involved the dogs, the wheel chair, and the new commode.  Remember, she can’t just get up and run in when the feeling hits her.  The sun part lasted a couple of minutes before turning into a cloudy day with a nice breeze.  So we lay out on the blanket, enjoying the rays that made it through the clouds, with the dogs coming over to check on us once in a while to see if we needed licking. 

Not Where's Waldo, but...Wheeeeerrree's Miki?

There she is!!!

At one point I looked over and saw that Miki had tears sliding down her nose and cheeks.  She has been incredibly strong through this process, but doubts and what-ifs are hard to keep at bay, not to mention her exhaustion and frailness.  At this point, crying had taken on the Yawning Effect, where one person does it and another joins in for no apparent reason.  I wouldn’t say there wasn’t an apparent reason, but crying twice in one day is not something easily accomplished for me, let alone once.  Making her radiation appointment came up again, and again without resolution.

Having been outside for a while now, and remember Miki has been “going” about every hour… it is time “to go.”  With the commode at the ready, I won’t tell you our secret to blending into the backyard while in plain sight while going potty, so imagine what you would do given the situation at hand.  Now, talk amongst yourselves.

We finally headed back inside, with a number of trips to get all the paraphernalia that accompanied us on our outing.  It hadn’t been but minutes since our re-entry, but Miki’s urge sent us (me) in a panic to get the port-a-potty in place, in time.  Once it was ready and Miki made efforts to get up from the couch to use it, it became crystal clear that because she could hardly lift herself off the couch and turn around to sit on the commode, there was no reason to push making the appointment any longer.  Two minutes later, it was canceled.

Through the afternoon and evening, more Imodium eventually slowed things down and the rest of the day was relaxing, with only minimal pee breaks to challenge her.  Miki did gather the strength to do her exercises late evening, then decided sleeping on the couch, rather than upstairs, would suit her just fine. Since everyone’s experiences are a bit different, I can only assume her exhaustion and maybe the diarrhea will be her M.O. as she continues treatment.

Since there was a commode-like overtone to this posting, I will leave you with my two favorite Confucius-isms that pertain to this topic…

Confucius say (or not)…

It take square ass to shit a brick.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Oh, one other thing…I managed to not cry the whole second half of the day…not that there is anything wrong with that.

My Zen from Home:  I hope to never experience the immense lack of energy that Miki has due to her body using all its resources to reclaim her health.  When someone can carry on when there seems to be nothing left to draw from, yet they dig deep within to find what no one else can to continue…that is a strong person.  That is Miki.