So, Now What?

A little over a month ago things changed for me, for good.  And I mean that in a lot of different ways.  Miki’s and my journey’s that had been parallel for 32 years separated and as I walk passed pictures of Miki throughout the house each day, it seems like it just can’t be and yet it is.

I have had so many conversations with family and friends about the heartache I feel from her absence, I’m not sure I put into perspective the loss felt by everyone else.  From those that came to her for Healing Touch support to her parents and everyone in between.  I remember a conversation I had with Miki’s mom in which I felt she was placing more importance on my loss than hers.  I can’t imagine feeling the loss of a child you brought into this world.  Both our losses are unfathomable yet very different.

I also have reflected on the way we all came to our grief from different directions.  As I have settled into my new “normal,” routine, or however you describe it, I feel as though I was prepared for it better than anyone else, in the sense that my grieving probably started long before Miki’s passing.  As I lived it everyday and was there for each step.  There weren’t many surprises, whereas most of our friends and family saw her intermittently with less time to take in the changes you may have seen or experienced.  In that way, I was gradually losing her over time, where maybe others it was more abrupt.  I don’t know anything for sure, but it seems like everything over the last few months has prepared me to move forward more quickly than I ever anticipated.  My sadness comes less frequently and with less intensity.  Don’t’ get me wrong, I still have moments that sneak up on me that might resemble a flash flood of sorts, but they are fewer and farther between.  I see life moving forward in ways I didn’t think would feel right for years.  As I was there for each of her steps, I feel she has been there for mine since.

I have some trips lined up to look forward to, some subbing dates for friends at my old school on the calendar, and a dog that has become the dog I’ve always wanted…by my side, in whatever room I’m in, and happy to see me when I come through the door.  The whole food and treat thing is probably helping in my favor, but Tuck is a changed being as well.  I’ve been more open for opportunities and pushing many aspects of my comfort zone that Miki wouldn’t believe.  Roasted red peppers, cucumbers, and guacamole to repeat a few. 

Last week I traded our 2002 Toyota Highlander in on a 2013.  The timing was right to do it, as I was getting signs that it needed to be done sooner than later, even though the 215,000 miles it had seemed to be full of good memories.  I spent an eternity one afternoon with a salesman that was brand new.  He was an older gentleman with Middle Eastern characteristics and who was just doing “the best he could.”  He could hardly answer a question about the car I was interested in.  He said the other salesmen were too stuck on themselves too much to help him, and he had slipped and fell on the ice a few days earlier and was limping around as best he could.  As we waited around for the sales manager to take his turn with me, I chatted Sol up on his pre car salesman days.  He didn’t hesitate to let fly stories of his art dealing days or how he got divorced and had now been with another woman for 8 years, although he felt it too was about to end.  Before the last 6 months, I would not have probably put myself in the position to listen or hung around for that length of time, but I enjoyed every second of it.

Miki changed and influenced me in ways she never knew, although I hope she does now.  I am sure this extends out to many of you as well.  I have had the opportunity to hear or read some of the ways she touched and in some ways continues to touch lives.  It makes me smile and still brings tears of joy almost everyday.  So now when I think of Miki’s passing, the sadness is being replaced with joy for the person she has influenced me to become and my hope is that she somehow knows I’ve made some changes, for good.

So, now what?  Well, the same thing I've done everyday.  Take time to remember, be open, be hopeful, and continue moving forward.  Some days are better than others and the ones that are better are becoming greater in number than the alternative. The experiences may be different for everyone, but the goal is the same...do the best we can with what we have.

My Zen from Home:  I keep telling myself that new beginnings offer up hope to where there may not have seemed like much before.  Just like last June when this portion of Miki’s journey began, it seemed, as there was hope for a good result and depending on how you look at it, there was.  Not necessarily the one we wanted, but still a good one if you think about it.