So, Now What?

A little over a month ago things changed for me, for good.  And I mean that in a lot of different ways.  Miki’s and my journey’s that had been parallel for 32 years separated and as I walk passed pictures of Miki throughout the house each day, it seems like it just can’t be and yet it is.

I have had so many conversations with family and friends about the heartache I feel from her absence, I’m not sure I put into perspective the loss felt by everyone else.  From those that came to her for Healing Touch support to her parents and everyone in between.  I remember a conversation I had with Miki’s mom in which I felt she was placing more importance on my loss than hers.  I can’t imagine feeling the loss of a child you brought into this world.  Both our losses are unfathomable yet very different.

I also have reflected on the way we all came to our grief from different directions.  As I have settled into my new “normal,” routine, or however you describe it, I feel as though I was prepared for it better than anyone else, in the sense that my grieving probably started long before Miki’s passing.  As I lived it everyday and was there for each step.  There weren’t many surprises, whereas most of our friends and family saw her intermittently with less time to take in the changes you may have seen or experienced.  In that way, I was gradually losing her over time, where maybe others it was more abrupt.  I don’t know anything for sure, but it seems like everything over the last few months has prepared me to move forward more quickly than I ever anticipated.  My sadness comes less frequently and with less intensity.  Don’t’ get me wrong, I still have moments that sneak up on me that might resemble a flash flood of sorts, but they are fewer and farther between.  I see life moving forward in ways I didn’t think would feel right for years.  As I was there for each of her steps, I feel she has been there for mine since.

I have some trips lined up to look forward to, some subbing dates for friends at my old school on the calendar, and a dog that has become the dog I’ve always wanted…by my side, in whatever room I’m in, and happy to see me when I come through the door.  The whole food and treat thing is probably helping in my favor, but Tuck is a changed being as well.  I’ve been more open for opportunities and pushing many aspects of my comfort zone that Miki wouldn’t believe.  Roasted red peppers, cucumbers, and guacamole to repeat a few. 

Last week I traded our 2002 Toyota Highlander in on a 2013.  The timing was right to do it, as I was getting signs that it needed to be done sooner than later, even though the 215,000 miles it had seemed to be full of good memories.  I spent an eternity one afternoon with a salesman that was brand new.  He was an older gentleman with Middle Eastern characteristics and who was just doing “the best he could.”  He could hardly answer a question about the car I was interested in.  He said the other salesmen were too stuck on themselves too much to help him, and he had slipped and fell on the ice a few days earlier and was limping around as best he could.  As we waited around for the sales manager to take his turn with me, I chatted Sol up on his pre car salesman days.  He didn’t hesitate to let fly stories of his art dealing days or how he got divorced and had now been with another woman for 8 years, although he felt it too was about to end.  Before the last 6 months, I would not have probably put myself in the position to listen or hung around for that length of time, but I enjoyed every second of it.

Miki changed and influenced me in ways she never knew, although I hope she does now.  I am sure this extends out to many of you as well.  I have had the opportunity to hear or read some of the ways she touched and in some ways continues to touch lives.  It makes me smile and still brings tears of joy almost everyday.  So now when I think of Miki’s passing, the sadness is being replaced with joy for the person she has influenced me to become and my hope is that she somehow knows I’ve made some changes, for good.

So, now what?  Well, the same thing I've done everyday.  Take time to remember, be open, be hopeful, and continue moving forward.  Some days are better than others and the ones that are better are becoming greater in number than the alternative. The experiences may be different for everyone, but the goal is the same...do the best we can with what we have.

My Zen from Home:  I keep telling myself that new beginnings offer up hope to where there may not have seemed like much before.  Just like last June when this portion of Miki’s journey began, it seemed, as there was hope for a good result and depending on how you look at it, there was.  Not necessarily the one we wanted, but still a good one if you think about it.

Three Little Words

bRING in the NEW YEAR!  Things are lookin’ up!  My hair is slowly growing back from its first foray into the commercial world of pay for “shock and awe” style cut I received almost a month ago, by a stranger.  My new/used motorcycle has remained “together” and in tact at this point, even though my friend Stuart talked me into a ride a few days ago at a questionable temperature (there is always a wind chill on a motorcycle!).  And Tuck is alive and well and has become my shadow, which I have thoroughly enjoyed...and he is not afraid to leave the house anymore.

And since starting a new year is all about tooting horns and celebrating, I am going to toot my own horn to celebrate some changes I’ve recognized in me.  Before I do so though, I have to plug Miki as the ultimate catalyst in these changes in me over these last months of her journey.  For me, I could not have participated in her story without having been changed for good (as the lyrics in the song go).  To that end, I miss her deeply, as most of us continue to do, but daily I give her thanks for her hand in my continuing evolution to be a better partner, friend, and person.  Here are some observations, events, and hopes from moi.

I recently held a memorial service for my entire stable of underwear that must have been at least 20+ years old. I know…Too Much Information!  Get over it, it’s a landmark decision on my part to let them go and I want to share it, as I replaced them with a whole new assortment of dark colors…that’s right…colors…not just white…colors.  I figure since they are darker, they will last longer, because the signs of wear won’t be as obvious due to the darkness.  Miki was all about diversity anyway.

Another first for me, since I declared in a previous blog that I was ready to be “open” and make myself available for new experiences, happened New Year’s Eve.  I was invited to a friends home, who was invited to a friends place a couple of houses down, where we played a game I had never played before and more importantly, I ate things I’d never even given a second consideration to putting in my mouth.  First (and this one was actually the day before New Years), a salad that had cucumbers, peppers, and mushrooms in its mix…and it was okay!  All of those items have been on the vegetable no-fly list since my inception.  Excuse me while I tug on my big boy pants!  Secondly, I willingly went after an artichoke dip that tasted okay!  I didn’t pound it down, but I did have seconds and I have never actively sought out an artichoke in any form before.  Thirdly, guacamole dip, with an after bite…and it was a multi-dip experience (not double dippin’, I do have couth at some level).  Finally, I am not watching nearly as much TV as I used to.  There is just other stuff to keep my idle hands busy and off the remote.  What is with me?

I am dealing with the silence by not letting it be silent.  My iPod and CD’s have discovered their purpose and twerking while washing the dishes is quite the distraction (not really, but conjures up a good picture).  I’ve enjoyed seeing others get joy from Miki’s clothes, as they dwindle in number.  And I am enjoying reestablishing and starting new relationships with people that have been away and have come back and with those that have been right under my nose.

One speech habit that seems to be hanging on and hard to shake is the use of our, us, and we.  Those three little words can bring Miki back faster than beans through a cowboy.  Sometimes I correct it and sometimes I don’t.  Each day, the clarity that seems to have been diluted in the recent past, seems to be working towards full concentration again.

My Zen from Home:  When it is this cold for extended periods of time and the pond in the park behind our house freezes over, the Canada Geese that frequent it, bring a whole new level of entertainment to us.  The water landings when the temperature is above freezing are not nearly as humorous as the icy landing zones when the temperature dips.  Some are graceful, some not so much.  I guess we shouldn’t talk, since we can’t fly or land either way. (There are those little words again)  I guess in general, we are all doing the best we can with what we have.  

Here's to a Happier New Year!
Peace Out!
Namaste!