It is February 12, 2014. Approximately one year ago, Miki and I were notified by the National Park Service that we had secured a place among thousands of Colorado River rafting wannabes, to raft the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon on a non-commercial river permit. We had waited over ten years for this contact. At the end of last February, it finally came! Now what? We called Janet and Bunny in North Carolina (of course) and broke the news to them and the ball started rolling.
Through their guidance we
began to assemble a crack team of water rats for the adventure of our lifetime, not knowing that Miki had
already begun a different adventure that would show itself soon enough. Through the years we were learning to
whitewater canoe, on and around the Nantahala River in western North Carolina,
the foundation was being laid for this trip. When someone acquires a permit for a trip through the Grand
Canyon on the Colorado River, there is no shortage of hands reaching skyward,
volunteering to become a member of the team. From paddlers of all kinds to those that just want to ride
along to experience it, the culling of adventurists began. The organization of such an undertaking
was overwhelming at first, but we divided and began to conquer.
In June of 2013, when Miki
was diagnosed with lung cancer, we knew that we would not be able to manage
both paths at the same time and Janet graciously took the canyon trip on, as
she had experience professionally and personally with this very task. That took a tremendous weight from our
shoulders. Miki used March 9,
2014, our put in date on the river, as a goal to focus on, as she bravely
marched through doctor visits, hospital stays, chemotherapy appointments, and
news that never seemed to fill the wind in her sail. As Miki announced to most visitors that dropped in to visit
and wrote in her blog, she was “walking through this” and our Grand Canyon
River permit was proof to her that she would, because how could she have waited all these years to win the permit lottery and
not get to go!?! That permit
was her North Star, up until she
entered hospice care. She held on
to that hope as long as she possibly could. I don’t recall her ever bringing it up after entering
Hospice House, but she knew what hospice meant and with her not going, I wasn’t
either.
Following Miki’s passing, it
didn’t take me long to realize that I still needed to go for the both of us. I knew that if I didn’t, she would be
back to kick my butt and I preferred a more positive emotional visit than a
butt kicking. I had not committed
to the trip yet and I had until the end of December, so others could be found
to fill any vacancy still open and prepare as we would have. I called Janet and
told her I was in.
It is now less than a month
from the put in date of March 9. A
date that seemed would never arrive.
This last week has been a really emotional one for me and I have not been
able to put a finger on it. As the
date draws closer, it very well could be that the planning and preparing for
this has been the trigger. As I
get my paddling stuff off the shelf in the garage, it’s right next to hers. As I get my sleeping bag out of its storage tub, it is right next to hers. And as I remember how to put up the
tent and lay in it for a minute, I am laying right next to where she would be
on our first night, on the adventure we had been waiting for, for over a
decade. It is emotional getting
ready and it will be that way everyday on the river as I experience it for both
of us. Around every bend in the
river she’ll be with me. Through
every rapid she’ll be with me. And
every day hike away from our campsite, Miki will be there.
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| Tuck keeps the instructions handy in the background as the tent sees daylight for the first time in a while. |
I still embrace every tear
filled with her, as I reach forward to grasp every new day. When I get moving too fast, I stop to
remember all the recent lessons learned and readjust. Everyday is better than the last, no matter the highs or
lows that accompany it. As friends
share their dreams of a Miki visit with me, I’m hoping my first one comes in
the canyon...although I’d take one anytime!
My Zen from Home: The night before I take my
place aboard my 18 foot oar raft for 17 days, in a place like no other, our
group will be camping at the put in at Lee’s Ferry. That evening, I will sit alone with Miki on the edge of the
Colorado River and I’ll talk to her about the adventure we’ve been waiting for. I will stare at the water, smile that
we’re there, and cry. It will be
better than great! It will be perfect, as she always says.
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| Lees Ferry (the put in for the trip) is on river right, just below the center of the photograph (compliments of the National Park Service website). |
